Goodbye Grampa

Maybe the reason I haven't written any blog posts since last summer is I haven't wanted to write this one.  It was a Saturday afternoon and we were driving around looking for houses to buy.  Cooper had finished his t-ball game that morning and we were just driving around looking for homes.  I remember feeling weird during his game.  Is that strange to say?  Cooper wanted over the fence and one of the Moms asked me if I wanted help lifting him over.  I didn't say anything to her.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but something was wrong.  I am in no way psychic nor do I understand anything like that.  BUT, something was off and I couldn't explain it.  I never said anything to the mom I just was in a daze almost.  Anyways, about 2 hours later while we were searching for homes (we were in the car), Nicks cell phone rang.  His face dropped and I remember knowing something was really wrong.  I knew what it was, but I didn't know who.  Nick hung up the phone and said "Grampa Traill is gone.  He died."  We drove 2 miles back to Mom and Dads and I remember I looked over at Nick halfway to their house and started laughing.  Out of everyone who could die, it certainly wasn't Grampa.  Not my Grampa.  He would be the last person I would have expected.

We drove into the driveway at my parents and Dad was on his tractor.  He got off and for the first time in my entire life I felt what a broken heart feels like.  No words can explain the feeling of emptiness that came over us.  We didn't know what to do or where to start.

We all went into the house and Nick took charge with Dad.  They both got on their computers and cell phones and started making calls.  Before I knew what was happening Nick and Dad were off to get a rental van for all of us to get into.  We were leaving for Canada within a couple short hours.

We made a call to our good friend Kyle who said he would take care of all the animals for us.  Dad and Nick were gone to get the van when Kyle showed up at the house . I was trying to pack clothes for all 4 of us and my brain was in total shock and disbelief.  Cooper took charge and showed Kyle how much food to feed each animals: 4 dogs, 1 cat, 4 cows, 1 bull, and 3 horses.  He was a life saver and I can never thank him enough for coming and watching the animals on such short notice for us.

We got the phone call at 2:30 in the afternoon, and by 6:30 we had all 6 of us (plus Paisley) in the car and were headed to Canada.

Paisley didn't have the international papers she needed to cross country, but we did manage to get paperwork stating she was okay to travel.  We were never asked at the border if she had them.  Thank Goodness.

We drove 30 hours straight to Granny and Grampa's, stopping only to go to the bathroom or get food.  At any given time one of us in the car was quietly crying and trying not to let anyone else hear us.  Cooper and Wyatt didn't understand what "dead" meant and trying to explain it to a 5 year old and a 2 year old was very hard.

We drove up to Granny's about midnight on Sunday, September 16th.  Granny, Aunt Sandy, and Uncle Mike were all waiting for us at the table.  Chris and Cass were there too but left shortly thereafter to pick up my brother who had flown from Tulsa to Ottawa to be there.  He couldn't get the time off needed for us to pick all of them up from Tulsa for the drive, so he flew up.

I remember just wanting to have my brother hug me.  Not long after finding out that Grampa had died I snuck off to the spare bedroom to call him.  We had never lost anyone close and only Brian would know how I was feeling.  I needed to talk to him on the phone, and then I needed to have him hold me.  We didn't say anything but we both understood the feeling of complete emptiness and pain without ever speaking a word.

After arriving at their house and hugging we all went inside.  How many hours had we spent over our lives in that house with Granny and Grampa?  It always looked the same, which was a very comforting feeling.  I remember walking through the house saying "where is he?  I know Grampa is here."  I had to find him and I looked in every room, and cubby hoping he would just turn the corner and this nightmare would be over.  But I couldn't find him, and he wasn't there.  His chair at the kitchen table was empty and it was so, so sad.

The following few days are a blur.  We had people coming in and out and we all had our moments.  I can't even remember how many times I would be walking by someone, and suddenly we are hugging.  Pat, Aunt Sandy, Vi, Granny, Mom, Dad, Carly.  We would be passing, then hugging trying to figure out what the hell had just happened and how we were going to go on.

We celebrated Grampa by having everyone together on the Tuesday after he died.  Nice and quiet at his home.  Its what we all needed.  I smile remembering us all outside at the picnic tables.  We were all there talking and remembering, yet having a good time.  Then...you would catch someone staring off.  You knew what they were thinking: "Stu is about to come around that corner."  He always did.

Grampa's ashes were brought into the house and set on the table in front of his chair.  It was the perfect spot. We circled that table arm in arm and just stared.  Eventually he was taken off the table and he was placed in his beautiful urn onto the woodstove.  It might sound silly for anyone who didn't know Grampa, but as I sit here I can't help but smile because that woodstove was his baby.  He loved that thing.  He worked so hard to make sure that house was warm and cozy all winter long.  His day started at that thing and ended there.  We placed flowers around him and his clothes, hat, goggles and ear protection that he was wearing when he died were placed by him.  It was beautiful.  He would have been really honored I think.

I don't know if it ever gets easier.  Looking at his picture is so hard because it forces me to realize he is gone and I don't want to have to admit that.  I am so grateful that we were able to see him this summer when we surprised them by showing up at the house.  I will never forget the look in his eyes as we drove up the driveway.  Never.  I never, ever thought that would be the last time I would see him but I am so thankful we were able too.  I also am thankful that my parents and brother (as well as his family) got the chance to go up and visit them just one week before Grampa passed away.  What are the chances?  Grampa was able to meet his youngest great grandchild just one week before.  Its amazing how it worked out and it brings a bit of peace knowing that we were all able to see him.  I am beyond thankful that he didn't suffer and that he passed away doing what he loved.  He would have been pretty damn proud of himself for passing away the way he did!

I miss you Grampa.  I love you and am so thankful that you were mine.  You were the hardest working man I have ever met.  Miss you so much.

TRAILL, Stewart Arnold
(Retired Canadian Armed Forces)
Suddenly at home in Carleton Place, on Saturday, September 15, 2012 in his 86th year. Loving husband of Lauretta nee Bradley. Amazing father of Bob (Joanne), Mike (Vi- Ann), and Sandy (Murray Cotnam). Grandfather of Marc (Carly), Krista (Nick), Chris (Cass), and Brian (Morgan). Great- grandfather of Cooper, Kacie, Wyatt and Joseph. Brother-in-law and best friend of Glen Bradley and Maureen. Sadly missed by his sister Evelyn, his brother Bert (Fran), and many nieces and nephews. Special mention, Sean (Laurie), Pat, Lizzie (Pete), Mark and Heather. At the family's request there will be no visitation or service. For those who wish a donation to Juvenile Diabetes Foundation "in honour of Krista", Suite 800 - 2550 Victoria Park Avenue, Toronto ON, M2J 5A9. Arrangements in the care of the Alan R. Barker Funeral Home (613) 257-3113.